I have just about abandoned my blog, and that makes me unhappy. Writing helps me to process my thoughts, and not writing means that my thoughts swirl around in my head, around and around, until I must expel them by yakking my husband's (or nearest unfortunate friend's) ear off. It's better for all if I take some time to write.
I have many thoughs swirling in my head (see #1 above) about the experience of going from homeschooling mom, to full-time teaching-in-a-school mom, back to homeschooling mom. Working outside the home provided a certain regularity in our schedule. There was no question that we needed to be at school by 8:30 every morning, and my three youngest children and I were washed, dressed, fed, packed, and out the door every morning. There is a certain satisfying feeling of accomplishment in that. I like routine, and I felt "on top of things" and productive. I liked that. A lot.
Coming back home has been an adjustment. One of the biggest frustrations is my/our lack of ability to stick to a similar morning schedule. Life seeps in and I make choices that throw off my "schedule" every. stinkin. day. When I knew I had to be out of the house every morning, I would see something that needed to be done and ignore it. I didn't have time to deal with it at that moment. I made a mental note, however, that if I was homeschooling, I knew I would make the decision to deal with that issue and thus, we would start school later. I could clearly see how these constant small choices would sabotage my best laid plans. Oh what a learning experience for me! I had such clarity! I could see those small details that make such a difference! I will never again fall victim to this insidiousness! Yet, here I am living it out, beautifully organized plans in tatters, day by sabotaged day.
Working outside the home meant that I was, time-wise, just less available. Period. I was less available to run errands, make phone calls, appointments, and connect with people other than those I saw everyday. I tried to come up with a word to describe the difference I felt. I felt more productive, but less....recollected. It was not a thoughtful, recollected life. There was no time for introspection and little time for nurturing relationships. I spent most evenings grading papers and planning, while my family went about its business without me. My house stayed clean, since there was no one home all day to mess it up. Which was good, since I had little time to clean. Despite its cleanliness, however, the house did not feel like a home, but a pitstop where we kept our "stuff."
Returning home to homeschooling means that my house gets dirty. Really messy. But, I have more time to clean (and helpers who are not too busy with homework in the evenings:). Our life, in general, is messier. There is less a sense of productivity; of being able to start a project and see it through to its orderly completion. My life is a series of interrupted half sentences, a mish-mash of thoughts and ideas tumbling over and crashing into one another, lessons interrupted by "important" phone calls, phone calls interrupted by arguing children, arguing children interrupted by an angry mom. It's a messy life. At first, I fretted and worried (which also interrupted lessons). "Have I made a mistake?" "Am I doing a disservice to my children?" I was a train wreck.
Then, I began to notice things. The kids were happy. There was a lot of laughter (which also interrupted lessons, but, still it was laughter). The house felt like a home. I was having time for the little things that make "home:" baking, lighting candles, reading books, prayer, special touches that say to my husband at the end of the day, "Welcome home! We've missed you." Special moments sprinkled through the day that make my kids feel loved, that build relationship. Best of all, a new friendship was blossoming between my two youngest boys that was a joy to see. The opportunity to share the Faith with my children is a huge blessing. Even though this life feels less "productive" and quite disjointed, it is a much more meaningful life. This messy life is frustrating, but beautiful.
To prove how "unproductive" my days are, we are taking today off from school! We will be preparing for my parent's 60th Wedding Anniversary party, which is tonight. Nope, not productive at all, but definitely meaningful. We will just have to buckle down next week and stick to our plans...well, mostly...
