Blueberries, blueberries

Since Blogger is refusing to embed this video, I will link to it instead:

You forgot the blueberries

My family and I have been enjoying this video for a few weeks. (I hope the little cutie didn't get hurt!)

Anyway, so that we don't "forget the blueberries" I think I am going to take my little berry pickers to the blueberry fields today. Perhaps we will score some raspberries (my fav!) while we're there.

My other option from my summer to-do list is to wash windows and curtains...yeah, berries...no brainer

Surrender

Here's a post I've been putting off.  It is one I need to write, if only for myself.  I have no idea how it is going to look on the other end.  It will mostly be me thinking on paper, keyboard.
 ** I just finished this post.  It is pretty *me* centered.  I decided to post it because I intended this blog to be a record of our family's life, and this experience is an important part of that life.  Please read it with this in mind.**

On July 22, I discovered that I was pregnant. Almost miraculously, right around my 45th birthday (yup, 45!) I conceived a child.  My husband and I were stunned.  Well, we knew it was possible, but at this time of life, certain things don't appear to be working as they once did, making natural family planning a bit like Russian Roulette:)  When I saw the '+' sign appear on the stick, fear wrapped its icy fingers around my heart. 

"I am 45 years old, overweight, out of shape.  I've had 6 c-sections, can my body handle anymore?  And, Oh my gosh!  I have a job now!  I haven't had a job in 20 years!  We need this income, but I've never put a baby in daycare and certainly do not want to now! What are we going to do?"

 This is basically the sound track that kept repeating itself inside my head, creating a rising, crippling panic.The spirit of fear and panic is my life-long nemesis, and it was kicking my butt.  Not only was I fearful, but I was ashamed, also.  I am pro-life!  I have lost a son at birth and another by miscarriage!  I know the value of life! I know that every baby is a blessing.  But, I was so fearful.  Not wanting this baby to feel any type of rejection or negativity from its mother, I began praying and making the conscious effort to let go of the fear and place myself in God's hands.  Your will be done...Trust...Surrender...
As He always does, the Holy Spirit entered bringing with Him peace and joy.  Yes, I still wavered between Fear and Trust, but Trust, Peace and Joy were winning the battle.  And, Oh My Gosh!!! I was going to have a baby!!!
But, oddly enough, instead of the warm, fuzzy, ecstatic feelings that normally accompany my pregnancies, I began to feel  a deep peace.  Surrender.  It was such a good place to be.  Had I really grown enough in my spiritual life to have finally achieved a moment where I was abandoned completely to the will of God?  (Funny--even as I was having this thought, I realized that the next trial or cross would have me right back at the starting line--fearful and  untrusting.)  This grace of surrender was for this moment and this moment only.  But it was so good. 
Right away, I discovered that I needed supplemental progesterone, which is common for me, but my numbers were extremely low this time.  I knew that my chances of carrying to term were not good, given my risk factors, but I got my shots and determined that I would savor the gift of this life for however long it remained with me on this earth.  It is an amazing thought to realize that Eternity will forever be changed because of this brand new teeny-tiny life growing within.  A new soul--a brand new eternal being exists!  Praise be to God!
Inevitably, perhaps, I began to spot on August 19, during our camping trip.  Still, that peace remained.  Spotting is not uncommon; I did not worry.  But, the bleeding increased, and at some point, I don't know exactly when, perhaps 4 or 5 days after the bleeding began, I became aware of an "empty" feeling.  I don't know how to describe it, other than "empty".  I knew there was no longer any life within. And still, by the mercy and grace of God, I had peace.  The surrender was now mingled with sorrow, but the surrender was still there. 
In the midst of all this, I was preparing to start teaching.  Sorrow over the miscarriage was now mixed with sorrow over giving up our homeschooling way of life.  It was, and still is, a lot to deal with at once. 
The teaching part is fine.  I love teaching.  I have a good group of students and am very thankful that one of my own children is in my class.  It is very difficult for me to not see Sam and Annie all day.  Actually, I do see them at lunch and recess and once in a while in the hall, but it is certainly different from what we are used to.  There are definitely good things about school that I cannot duplicate at home, and I am truly thankful for the school, the people I work with and this opportunity.
Annie was feeling a little sick last week and did not want to leave me.  Prying her fingers from my arm and leaving her with her teacher with big tears running down her cheeks threatened to push my already brittle emotions over the edge.  It was a rough week.
Surrender.  It is not a one-time event.  It's not that once you surrender, you are always surrendered.  Like all progress in the spiritual life, it goes layer by layer, deeper and deeper until there is nothing left but ourselves and God.  Ourselves in God.  It is a painful process, this dying-to-self business.  But, in the end, the surrender is filled with peace, trust and joy, and it is so good. 
Dear God, please grant me the grace of surrender.

Our three precious saints in heaven:
Brady Joseph,
Patrick Louis,
and now Maria Teresa
pray for us!

Our Lady of Ephesus

As Jesus was dying on the cross, he looked at St. John (the apostle whom He loved) and entrusted the care of His Holy Mother to John..  At the same time, Jesus ("Woman, behold your son.") gave all of us to Mary as her children.  Our filial relationship with the Blessed Mother is a spiritual one, and while I am sure there was a profound spiritual bond between Our Lady and St. John, he was also responsible for the physical well-being of Mary.  St. John traveled to Asia Minor to evangelize.  Of course, he brought Our Lady with him.  He built her a house in Ephesus, Turkey, where she spent the remainder of her days.
Due to the vision of the Archbishop of Turkey and a series of miracles there is an exact replica of Our Lady's House in Jamaica, Vermont.  We traveled the hour or so to visit Mary's House on Sunday.  It was lovely.

Ephesus house from outside

At first, I was surprised.  It is small by today's standards--smaller than a two car garage. But it is beautiful, and kind of fancier than I expected.  The floors are of marble--white and gray marble in the main part of the house, but pink marble in her bedroom.  The stonemason who replicated the house was painstaking in the details.  The walls are the same proportional mixture of brick and stone that the original was.  The black marble rectangle covering the spot where Our Lady's hearth was, is cracked the same way as the original in Turkey.  The distance in front of the house from the stone wall to the door is exactly as it is in Turkey.  The house is filled with beautiful arches--even arches within arches.  It was fascinating and moving to sit in the house imagining Our Mother going about her daily duties.  The beauty of the house is a loving and fitting tribute of St. John to Blessed Mother.  Nothing can be too good for the Queen of Heaven and Earth, right?!

Ephesus house

Inside Ephesus house -- notice the arches!

I was expecting an adobe or stucco type of house--much cruder and more rustic.  But this is much more appropriate.

Large cross on property

Beautiful kids and a beautiful view

The owner of the property was on hand to explain to us the process of building this structure and why a replica of Our Lady's house came to be in a tiny town in Vermont.  It was fascinating and reinforced to us the power of God.  His hand is very apparent in the inception and construction of this house.  Her sharing helped me to grow in trust--a virtue I continually struggle with.  Mary, the owner, shared a story about the property going up for tax auction on a particular Tuesday.  As they didn't have all of the money to pay the taxes, she simply placed her trust in Our Lady and Our Lord.  If this was their work, they would have to provide the tax money. She simply didn't have it.  On Friday of the week prior to the auction, she got a phone call from a woman who described herself as not particularly religious.  This woman has just returned from Turkey where she visited the original house of Our Lady.  Since she had trouble with her knee and hip (both needing replacements) she said a prayer to Mary to help her knee and hip to feel better so that she wouldn't ruin the trip for the other pilgrims.  She was able to keep up with the group and not slow them down.  The following day, as she boarded their tour bus, her husband asked her where her cane was.  She realized that she had no pain and didn't need her once ever-present cane.  A trip to the doctor, upon her arrival home, confirmed the miracle--there was nothing wrong with her knee or hip and they no longer needed replacing!  She was overwhelmed and wanted to do something for Our Lady.  She called Mary in Vermont and asked her if there was anything she needed.  Well, of course, Mary mentioned the whole matter of the tax auction.  The woman wrote a check to cover the taxes, and that was that.  Mary was full of stories like this.  Miracles really do happen, and a little stone house nestled in the hills of Vermont, half a world away from the original, is proof.

The original (restored) house in Ephesus, Turkey

She thinks my excavator's sexy....

Years ago, I heard a woman joke that a man was never as sexy as when he was up to his elbows in dishwater. Eh, I didn't agree too much at the time, although I did 'get' the message.  I used to love it when my husband vacuumed.  Until he burned up the vacuum with his perfectionism.  He vacuumed the floors, walls, and ceilings for an hour and a half straight.  The poor hot vacuum just shut off from overexertion.  Luckily, once it cooled down, it did begin working again.

Now, I have to say that when I see my husband working around our house, I think....ummmm, oh yeah...sexy.

You see, when we moved into our new house, it was January.  The landscaping didn't get done of course, since this is New Hampshire and January is NOT landscaping time.  So, instead of a lawn and gardens we have had rocks and dirt.  Actually, my dear hubby did some really cool things with the rocks here, for which I am very grateful.  But, the lack of grass has meant a lot of silty, sandy dirt ends up in my house.  I vacuum so much I fear I will overwork the poor machine too.  And much to my patient husband's chagrin, I mention the lack of grass much too often.    This is only the second weekend of the summer where we have had the time to work outside (and hubby was able to get his equipment moved here).

Here is what we are working on:
The bank behind the house (next to the ledge) is pretty tricky space.  *We* did not want to have to mow it, so *we* decided to build raised beds for our vegetable garden and put bark mulch in between them.  *We* finished them this weekend, as they needed to go in before the loam and seed (Hubby explained the sequence of how things have to get done, but all I heard was a noise like Charlie Brown's teacher.)
**Now, you must realize that when I say 'we' it is just a euphemism.  Really, I came up with the ideas and Scott did the work.  I did help him (minimally) with building the raised beds.  And I brought him cold water and encouragement.

The fact is, we are getting older. He's tired and sore.  Excavating is his profession.  Working around the house is like never having a day off.   When I see him doing these things for love of me and our family, I can't help but love him all the more for it.  So, yes, I get excited when I see him bring home an excavator.  And, yup, I think it's sexy.

To Scott

Happy Father's Day, Scott!

Thank you for all your hard work, love and support

You're a great dad and we love you lots! 

 Also

Happy Anniversary, my Love

June 20, 1987 

"I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.  I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

Then, now, and always.

Serendipitous moments

It was a beautiful day yesterday, and while I finished up some school work with their big brother, Sammy and Annie ventured outside with the Alphabet Path books.  Although he is only in second grade, Sam reads at a much higher level and enjoys reading aloud to his little sister (and the rest of us).  After I suggested that they could build a fairy house also, Annie agreed to join Sammy in the adventures of Mrs. Applebee and Michael..  She wasn't a great audience, as her attention span completely disappeared, which frustrated Sammy (which you will see in a very cute picture below:)  In the end, they did enjoy their time together, and my books didn't get too dirty.  Here they are.  I took the pics through the screen door, so as not to disturb them, which is why the pics are a little "cloudy".  The last few pics are ones Sammy took.  I think he's got the makings of a great photographer!

Nature's playground

A couple of weekends ago, having a respite from soccer and/or baseball games, Scott began to do some "yardwork".  By yardwork I mean actually creating a yard from the piles of dirt and rock that still surround our new house.  The lack of grass outside means a lot of dirt and sand get tracked into the house by the kids and the dog.  Plus, green, growing things feed my soul...I love gardening and am really missing my time with nature.  I know dirt is natural, too, but it's just not the same.

Here are some pictures of the side yard after dh spread out a big pile of loam.  I was excited to begin to see the shape of the future lawn.

As he was shaping the back bank, he noticed that the 2 outcroppings of ledge that we could see, were actually part of one large slab of bedrock just below the surface.  So he began scraping off the dirt with his machinery.  Then he hand shoveled out the nooks and crannies.  Now, if you didn't know my stoic husband well, you wouldn't have noticed anything unusual, but I could tell he was getting excited.  It was cute.  Is it only excavating contractors who get excited about rocks?
Anyway, after he shoveled it off, he needed to power wash the ledge to finish cleaning all the dirt off.  He has a powerwasher, but he had the wrong nozzle.  After a trip to my brother-in-law's house to get the right nozzle, he was ready to clean that ledge off.  If any of this sounds time-consuming...it was!! The entire process took most of the day.  Here's the finished product:

The kids (and their dad) loved it!!  The veining in the stone reminded them of roads, so out came the matchbox cars.  They spent a long time climbing on the ledge and setting up cars to race down it, crashing and tumbling over the uneven surface. 

I love the look of it also, and think about how much time we will save mowing! So ,we ended up not planting grass that particular weekend, but we did end up with a new playstructure.  The best kind.  Indestructible.

Big Changes

I have hinted at big changes happening around here, and the recent lack of activity on this blog is a testament to the fact that events are occurring rapidly. I wanted to let the "dust settle"before I wrote about it. I guess the dust is as settled as it is going to be, in my heart anyway, so I am writing.
After 21 years of staying home with my children, and 16 years of homeschooling, I will be embarking on a new adventure in the Fall. I will be teaching 5th and 6th grade at the new Catholic school in our town, New England Classical Academy. With both Lexi and Isaac in college next year, it will be just Ethan, Sam and Annie at home. It is the first time since I started having children that I do not have a baby, and all children are school-aged. The three youngest will attend NECA (with me) in 6th grade, 3rd grade and Kindergarten. (yes, that means Ethan will still have me for a teacher:)
I cried for a week when Scott and I decided I would apply. I cannot say that I discerned God calling me away from homeschooling (that would have required a really big "nudge" from Him, and He knew I would probably have ignored it). Rather, the circumstances the economy has generated for my husband's business and our family have necessitated it. For months I looked for part-time work or something I could do at home and everything fell through. When this position opened at NECA, and I realized they would possibly hire me, I felt as though I had been painted into a corner and this was the only exit. For some time I questioned whether God really works that way, and I have come to believe He does. He does speak through circumstance; especially when hearts are resistant.
So, I cried. I mourned the loss of the time I've had at home teaching my children, living our faith. As never before, I saw in sharp focus what a privilege and what a gift the time at home with my children has been. My heart broke at the loss of it. Then my heart trembled with fear. Fear of what these changes will mean for my family.
When my focus cannot solely be on my home and family, what will happen?
Will family closeness suffer?
What about our shared faith, when it is no longer part of what we are learning all day, every day, but relegated to short moments of family prayer in the evenings, will our faith weaken?
Will my children develop the "hard crust" I see in so many who spend their days surrounded by lots of other children and adults who are not their parents, and the natural strife and "bumping and grinding" that goes with it?Will their hearts harden?
Will I come to resent their involvement with sports as just one more activity taking them out of the heart of our family, instead of the welcome respite at the end of the day as it is now?
And how on earth will I keep my house clean, grocery shop, pay bills, make phone calls, Dr. appts., do laundry (!), when I am not home?
I am still fearful of these things (and others), but I am learning that I need to trust them to Him who carries our family in the palm of His hand. If this is His Holy Will for our family, He will bless us and bring good from this.To be fair, I am grateful that this opportunity was available to me. NECA has only been operating for 1 year. Prior to that, the Catholic school which occupied the same building would not have been a place at which I would have considered teaching or sending my children. God's timing, as always, is perfect. NECA is a truly Catholic school, with Catholic teachers and a solid classical curriculum. I did my research and kept watch over the past school year. Good things are happening there. I feel very fortunate to be able to have this opportunity for my children. Even though abandoning homeschooling is not my first choice, given the circumstances, teaching at NECA and sending my children there, with me, is a best-case scenario. For this, I am truly grateful. God is good.Ethan and Sam have met many good friends through sports and drama at NECA. They are excited to go. Annie also says she wants to go. I have a hard time thinking of my "baby" spending her days with someone other than me. This, more than anything else, brings sorrow to my heart. I've never sent a child to Kindergarten before. She seems so young and so tender. I am very thankful that I will be in the school. The thought that I won't homeschool Annie knocks the wind out of me. I can't think of that. I have to trust. God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, has given Annie a teacher who completely understands. She, also, began teaching 5th and 6th grade when her youngest was in Kindergarten. She told me of having to wipe away tears as she taught. She understands my mama's heart and, again, I am grateful.
I have dreaded writing this post. How can I assure my friends that my beliefs and my convictions are unchanged, when this huge change is happening in our lives? I almost felt I was giving bad example to other homeschoolers. I am becoming something I never aspired to be--a full-time working mother. It is still inconceivable to me. Also, oddly enough, I have never been so convicted of the benefits and blessings of homeschooling as I have been in the last 3 years or so! I guess what I have learned is that my convictions are of little consequence. If we truly follow Our Lord, we have to be willing to follow wherever he leads, whether it is pleasing, expected, or makes sense to us. Even if it means giving up something so dear to my heart that it feels like giving up my heart itself. He has led me places I never expected in the past 4 years; places I did not want to go. But, I can look back and see how he "stretched" me, and the blessings that have come from following Him.
As I write this, I see more clearly God's loving care for us. He has provided for all our needs, down to a sympathetic Kindergarten teacher who understands exactly my greatest sorrow. He has raised up a good, solid, Catholic school and filled it with wonderful staff and families. He has called us in a new direction, and with a grateful heart, I will follow Him.

A birthday and a big surprise!

This strong boy in the picture above is my nephew, who becomes a teenager today. As you can see he was a very big help during the building of our house:) Happy birthday, Lucien! May your teen years be filled with grace and growth in mind, body and spirit.

As we returned from Lucien's birthday celebration last night and I was putting the kids to bed, I checked on Sammy's new hamster, Peachy. Sammy wanted me to pick her up, and when I did, little pink things dropped out from under her! Peachy had babies! Several of them, by the looks. We quickly got them back into her little nest. The information I looked up on the computer said the best thing we can do is leave them all alone for a couple of weeks. Even though we want to see those little babies, we will let them be, so...no pictures. But what a neat surprise!

Just a neat pic

taken by my (almost) eight year old son! Pretty impressive, I thought!
The three red foam balls are part of a nerf tag set with velcro vests. Obviously, the boys are not playing tag, since the vests are nowhere to be seen. They are just throwing the balls at their sister...sigh...
It is a great picture, though.