Surrender

Here's a post I've been putting off.  It is one I need to write, if only for myself.  I have no idea how it is going to look on the other end.  It will mostly be me thinking on paper, keyboard.
 ** I just finished this post.  It is pretty *me* centered.  I decided to post it because I intended this blog to be a record of our family's life, and this experience is an important part of that life.  Please read it with this in mind.**

On July 22, I discovered that I was pregnant. Almost miraculously, right around my 45th birthday (yup, 45!) I conceived a child.  My husband and I were stunned.  Well, we knew it was possible, but at this time of life, certain things don't appear to be working as they once did, making natural family planning a bit like Russian Roulette:)  When I saw the '+' sign appear on the stick, fear wrapped its icy fingers around my heart. 

"I am 45 years old, overweight, out of shape.  I've had 6 c-sections, can my body handle anymore?  And, Oh my gosh!  I have a job now!  I haven't had a job in 20 years!  We need this income, but I've never put a baby in daycare and certainly do not want to now! What are we going to do?"

 This is basically the sound track that kept repeating itself inside my head, creating a rising, crippling panic.The spirit of fear and panic is my life-long nemesis, and it was kicking my butt.  Not only was I fearful, but I was ashamed, also.  I am pro-life!  I have lost a son at birth and another by miscarriage!  I know the value of life! I know that every baby is a blessing.  But, I was so fearful.  Not wanting this baby to feel any type of rejection or negativity from its mother, I began praying and making the conscious effort to let go of the fear and place myself in God's hands.  Your will be done...Trust...Surrender...
As He always does, the Holy Spirit entered bringing with Him peace and joy.  Yes, I still wavered between Fear and Trust, but Trust, Peace and Joy were winning the battle.  And, Oh My Gosh!!! I was going to have a baby!!!
But, oddly enough, instead of the warm, fuzzy, ecstatic feelings that normally accompany my pregnancies, I began to feel  a deep peace.  Surrender.  It was such a good place to be.  Had I really grown enough in my spiritual life to have finally achieved a moment where I was abandoned completely to the will of God?  (Funny--even as I was having this thought, I realized that the next trial or cross would have me right back at the starting line--fearful and  untrusting.)  This grace of surrender was for this moment and this moment only.  But it was so good. 
Right away, I discovered that I needed supplemental progesterone, which is common for me, but my numbers were extremely low this time.  I knew that my chances of carrying to term were not good, given my risk factors, but I got my shots and determined that I would savor the gift of this life for however long it remained with me on this earth.  It is an amazing thought to realize that Eternity will forever be changed because of this brand new teeny-tiny life growing within.  A new soul--a brand new eternal being exists!  Praise be to God!
Inevitably, perhaps, I began to spot on August 19, during our camping trip.  Still, that peace remained.  Spotting is not uncommon; I did not worry.  But, the bleeding increased, and at some point, I don't know exactly when, perhaps 4 or 5 days after the bleeding began, I became aware of an "empty" feeling.  I don't know how to describe it, other than "empty".  I knew there was no longer any life within. And still, by the mercy and grace of God, I had peace.  The surrender was now mingled with sorrow, but the surrender was still there. 
In the midst of all this, I was preparing to start teaching.  Sorrow over the miscarriage was now mixed with sorrow over giving up our homeschooling way of life.  It was, and still is, a lot to deal with at once. 
The teaching part is fine.  I love teaching.  I have a good group of students and am very thankful that one of my own children is in my class.  It is very difficult for me to not see Sam and Annie all day.  Actually, I do see them at lunch and recess and once in a while in the hall, but it is certainly different from what we are used to.  There are definitely good things about school that I cannot duplicate at home, and I am truly thankful for the school, the people I work with and this opportunity.
Annie was feeling a little sick last week and did not want to leave me.  Prying her fingers from my arm and leaving her with her teacher with big tears running down her cheeks threatened to push my already brittle emotions over the edge.  It was a rough week.
Surrender.  It is not a one-time event.  It's not that once you surrender, you are always surrendered.  Like all progress in the spiritual life, it goes layer by layer, deeper and deeper until there is nothing left but ourselves and God.  Ourselves in God.  It is a painful process, this dying-to-self business.  But, in the end, the surrender is filled with peace, trust and joy, and it is so good. 
Dear God, please grant me the grace of surrender.

Our three precious saints in heaven:
Brady Joseph,
Patrick Louis,
and now Maria Teresa
pray for us!