Big Changes

I have hinted at big changes happening around here, and the recent lack of activity on this blog is a testament to the fact that events are occurring rapidly. I wanted to let the "dust settle"before I wrote about it. I guess the dust is as settled as it is going to be, in my heart anyway, so I am writing.
After 21 years of staying home with my children, and 16 years of homeschooling, I will be embarking on a new adventure in the Fall. I will be teaching 5th and 6th grade at the new Catholic school in our town, New England Classical Academy. With both Lexi and Isaac in college next year, it will be just Ethan, Sam and Annie at home. It is the first time since I started having children that I do not have a baby, and all children are school-aged. The three youngest will attend NECA (with me) in 6th grade, 3rd grade and Kindergarten. (yes, that means Ethan will still have me for a teacher:)
I cried for a week when Scott and I decided I would apply. I cannot say that I discerned God calling me away from homeschooling (that would have required a really big "nudge" from Him, and He knew I would probably have ignored it). Rather, the circumstances the economy has generated for my husband's business and our family have necessitated it. For months I looked for part-time work or something I could do at home and everything fell through. When this position opened at NECA, and I realized they would possibly hire me, I felt as though I had been painted into a corner and this was the only exit. For some time I questioned whether God really works that way, and I have come to believe He does. He does speak through circumstance; especially when hearts are resistant.
So, I cried. I mourned the loss of the time I've had at home teaching my children, living our faith. As never before, I saw in sharp focus what a privilege and what a gift the time at home with my children has been. My heart broke at the loss of it. Then my heart trembled with fear. Fear of what these changes will mean for my family.
When my focus cannot solely be on my home and family, what will happen?
Will family closeness suffer?
What about our shared faith, when it is no longer part of what we are learning all day, every day, but relegated to short moments of family prayer in the evenings, will our faith weaken?
Will my children develop the "hard crust" I see in so many who spend their days surrounded by lots of other children and adults who are not their parents, and the natural strife and "bumping and grinding" that goes with it?Will their hearts harden?
Will I come to resent their involvement with sports as just one more activity taking them out of the heart of our family, instead of the welcome respite at the end of the day as it is now?
And how on earth will I keep my house clean, grocery shop, pay bills, make phone calls, Dr. appts., do laundry (!), when I am not home?
I am still fearful of these things (and others), but I am learning that I need to trust them to Him who carries our family in the palm of His hand. If this is His Holy Will for our family, He will bless us and bring good from this.To be fair, I am grateful that this opportunity was available to me. NECA has only been operating for 1 year. Prior to that, the Catholic school which occupied the same building would not have been a place at which I would have considered teaching or sending my children. God's timing, as always, is perfect. NECA is a truly Catholic school, with Catholic teachers and a solid classical curriculum. I did my research and kept watch over the past school year. Good things are happening there. I feel very fortunate to be able to have this opportunity for my children. Even though abandoning homeschooling is not my first choice, given the circumstances, teaching at NECA and sending my children there, with me, is a best-case scenario. For this, I am truly grateful. God is good.Ethan and Sam have met many good friends through sports and drama at NECA. They are excited to go. Annie also says she wants to go. I have a hard time thinking of my "baby" spending her days with someone other than me. This, more than anything else, brings sorrow to my heart. I've never sent a child to Kindergarten before. She seems so young and so tender. I am very thankful that I will be in the school. The thought that I won't homeschool Annie knocks the wind out of me. I can't think of that. I have to trust. God, in his infinite wisdom and mercy, has given Annie a teacher who completely understands. She, also, began teaching 5th and 6th grade when her youngest was in Kindergarten. She told me of having to wipe away tears as she taught. She understands my mama's heart and, again, I am grateful.
I have dreaded writing this post. How can I assure my friends that my beliefs and my convictions are unchanged, when this huge change is happening in our lives? I almost felt I was giving bad example to other homeschoolers. I am becoming something I never aspired to be--a full-time working mother. It is still inconceivable to me. Also, oddly enough, I have never been so convicted of the benefits and blessings of homeschooling as I have been in the last 3 years or so! I guess what I have learned is that my convictions are of little consequence. If we truly follow Our Lord, we have to be willing to follow wherever he leads, whether it is pleasing, expected, or makes sense to us. Even if it means giving up something so dear to my heart that it feels like giving up my heart itself. He has led me places I never expected in the past 4 years; places I did not want to go. But, I can look back and see how he "stretched" me, and the blessings that have come from following Him.
As I write this, I see more clearly God's loving care for us. He has provided for all our needs, down to a sympathetic Kindergarten teacher who understands exactly my greatest sorrow. He has raised up a good, solid, Catholic school and filled it with wonderful staff and families. He has called us in a new direction, and with a grateful heart, I will follow Him.