Love you lots!!!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Twenty-One
Love you lots!!!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Surrender
Here's a post I've been putting off. It is one I need to write, if only for myself. I have no idea how it is going to look on the other end. It will mostly be me thinking on paper, keyboard.
** I just finished this post. It is pretty *me* centered. I decided to post it because I intended this blog to be a record of our family's life, and this experience is an important part of that life. Please read it with this in mind.**
On July 22, I discovered that I was pregnant. Almost miraculously, right around my 45th birthday (yup, 45!) I conceived a child. My husband and I were stunned. Well, we knew it was possible, but at this time of life, certain things don't appear to be working as they once did, making natural family planning a bit like Russian Roulette:) When I saw the '+' sign appear on the stick, fear wrapped its icy fingers around my heart.
As He always does, the Holy Spirit entered bringing with Him peace and joy. Yes, I still wavered between Fear and Trust, but Trust, Peace and Joy were winning the battle. And, Oh My Gosh!!! I was going to have a baby!!!
But, oddly enough, instead of the warm, fuzzy, ecstatic feelings that normally accompany my pregnancies, I began to feel a deep peace. Surrender. It was such a good place to be. Had I really grown enough in my spiritual life to have finally achieved a moment where I was abandoned completely to the will of God? (Funny--even as I was having this thought, I realized that the next trial or cross would have me right back at the starting line--fearful and untrusting.) This grace of surrender was for this moment and this moment only. But it was so good.
Right away, I discovered that I needed supplemental progesterone, which is common for me, but my numbers were extremely low this time. I knew that my chances of carrying to term were not good, given my risk factors, but I got my shots and determined that I would savor the gift of this life for however long it remained with me on this earth. It is an amazing thought to realize that Eternity will forever be changed because of this brand new teeny-tiny life growing within. A new soul--a brand new eternal being exists! Praise be to God!
Inevitably, perhaps, I began to spot on August 19, during our camping trip. Still, that peace remained. Spotting is not uncommon; I did not worry. But, the bleeding increased, and at some point, I don't know exactly when, perhaps 4 or 5 days after the bleeding began, I became aware of an "empty" feeling. I don't know how to describe it, other than "empty". I knew there was no longer any life within. And still, by the mercy and grace of God, I had peace. The surrender was now mingled with sorrow, but the surrender was still there.
In the midst of all this, I was preparing to start teaching. Sorrow over the miscarriage was now mixed with sorrow over giving up our homeschooling way of life. It was, and still is, a lot to deal with at once.
The teaching part is fine. I love teaching. I have a good group of students and am very thankful that one of my own children is in my class. It is very difficult for me to not see Sam and Annie all day. Actually, I do see them at lunch and recess and once in a while in the hall, but it is certainly different from what we are used to. There are definitely good things about school that I cannot duplicate at home, and I am truly thankful for the school, the people I work with and this opportunity.
Annie was feeling a little sick last week and did not want to leave me. Prying her fingers from my arm and leaving her with her teacher with big tears running down her cheeks threatened to push my already brittle emotions over the edge. It was a rough week.
Surrender. It is not a one-time event. It's not that once you surrender, you are always surrendered. Like all progress in the spiritual life, it goes layer by layer, deeper and deeper until there is nothing left but ourselves and God. Ourselves in God. It is a painful process, this dying-to-self business. But, in the end, the surrender is filled with peace, trust and joy, and it is so good.
Dear God, please grant me the grace of surrender.
Our three precious saints in heaven:
Brady Joseph,
Patrick Louis,
and now Maria Teresa
pray for us!
** I just finished this post. It is pretty *me* centered. I decided to post it because I intended this blog to be a record of our family's life, and this experience is an important part of that life. Please read it with this in mind.**
On July 22, I discovered that I was pregnant. Almost miraculously, right around my 45th birthday (yup, 45!) I conceived a child. My husband and I were stunned. Well, we knew it was possible, but at this time of life, certain things don't appear to be working as they once did, making natural family planning a bit like Russian Roulette:) When I saw the '+' sign appear on the stick, fear wrapped its icy fingers around my heart.
"I am 45 years old, overweight, out of shape. I've had 6 c-sections, can my body handle anymore? And, Oh my gosh! I have a job now! I haven't had a job in 20 years! We need this income, but I've never put a baby in daycare and certainly do not want to now! What are we going to do?"This is basically the sound track that kept repeating itself inside my head, creating a rising, crippling panic.The spirit of fear and panic is my life-long nemesis, and it was kicking my butt. Not only was I fearful, but I was ashamed, also. I am pro-life! I have lost a son at birth and another by miscarriage! I know the value of life! I know that every baby is a blessing. But, I was so fearful. Not wanting this baby to feel any type of rejection or negativity from its mother, I began praying and making the conscious effort to let go of the fear and place myself in God's hands. Your will be done...Trust...Surrender...
As He always does, the Holy Spirit entered bringing with Him peace and joy. Yes, I still wavered between Fear and Trust, but Trust, Peace and Joy were winning the battle. And, Oh My Gosh!!! I was going to have a baby!!!
But, oddly enough, instead of the warm, fuzzy, ecstatic feelings that normally accompany my pregnancies, I began to feel a deep peace. Surrender. It was such a good place to be. Had I really grown enough in my spiritual life to have finally achieved a moment where I was abandoned completely to the will of God? (Funny--even as I was having this thought, I realized that the next trial or cross would have me right back at the starting line--fearful and untrusting.) This grace of surrender was for this moment and this moment only. But it was so good.
Right away, I discovered that I needed supplemental progesterone, which is common for me, but my numbers were extremely low this time. I knew that my chances of carrying to term were not good, given my risk factors, but I got my shots and determined that I would savor the gift of this life for however long it remained with me on this earth. It is an amazing thought to realize that Eternity will forever be changed because of this brand new teeny-tiny life growing within. A new soul--a brand new eternal being exists! Praise be to God!
Inevitably, perhaps, I began to spot on August 19, during our camping trip. Still, that peace remained. Spotting is not uncommon; I did not worry. But, the bleeding increased, and at some point, I don't know exactly when, perhaps 4 or 5 days after the bleeding began, I became aware of an "empty" feeling. I don't know how to describe it, other than "empty". I knew there was no longer any life within. And still, by the mercy and grace of God, I had peace. The surrender was now mingled with sorrow, but the surrender was still there.
In the midst of all this, I was preparing to start teaching. Sorrow over the miscarriage was now mixed with sorrow over giving up our homeschooling way of life. It was, and still is, a lot to deal with at once.
The teaching part is fine. I love teaching. I have a good group of students and am very thankful that one of my own children is in my class. It is very difficult for me to not see Sam and Annie all day. Actually, I do see them at lunch and recess and once in a while in the hall, but it is certainly different from what we are used to. There are definitely good things about school that I cannot duplicate at home, and I am truly thankful for the school, the people I work with and this opportunity.
Annie was feeling a little sick last week and did not want to leave me. Prying her fingers from my arm and leaving her with her teacher with big tears running down her cheeks threatened to push my already brittle emotions over the edge. It was a rough week.
Surrender. It is not a one-time event. It's not that once you surrender, you are always surrendered. Like all progress in the spiritual life, it goes layer by layer, deeper and deeper until there is nothing left but ourselves and God. Ourselves in God. It is a painful process, this dying-to-self business. But, in the end, the surrender is filled with peace, trust and joy, and it is so good.
Dear God, please grant me the grace of surrender.
Our three precious saints in heaven:
Brady Joseph,
Patrick Louis,
and now Maria Teresa
pray for us!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
18 Years Old!!
Happy 18th birthday to my son, Isaac!
My sweet, sensitive little boy has become a big strapping man I am so proud to be able to call "Son."
God bless you all the days of your life.
He has certainly blessed us with the gift of you.
My sweet, sensitive little boy has become a big strapping man I am so proud to be able to call "Son."
God bless you all the days of your life.
He has certainly blessed us with the gift of you.
Monday, September 6, 2010
A New Beginning
As I mentioned in my last post, things have been really, really busy around here. This is one of the things that has kept us occupied.
We started school for the first time this year!
On Aug. 30, I started a new teaching position at the new local Catholic school, and my children are attending.
Big changes for our family!
In my heart, I am still a homeschooler, and I truly miss being with my children all day. There has most definitely been a mourning period for me in giving up homeschooling.
But, this is where our lives have led us, and I am grateful for this opportunity. I do love to teach, and I welcome this challenge. I am thankful that I am in the same building with my children and can have contact with them throughout the day. Ethan is in my class and I see Annie and Sammy at lunch and recess.
I am also thankful for the dedicated and devout staff. I am blessed to have colleagues such as these.
God has provided.
(I think I need to ask Him to provide a bit more energy, though. At the end of the day, I'm pooped!)
We started school for the first time this year!
On Aug. 30, I started a new teaching position at the new local Catholic school, and my children are attending.
Big changes for our family!
In my heart, I am still a homeschooler, and I truly miss being with my children all day. There has most definitely been a mourning period for me in giving up homeschooling.
But, this is where our lives have led us, and I am grateful for this opportunity. I do love to teach, and I welcome this challenge. I am thankful that I am in the same building with my children and can have contact with them throughout the day. Ethan is in my class and I see Annie and Sammy at lunch and recess.
I am also thankful for the dedicated and devout staff. I am blessed to have colleagues such as these.
God has provided.
(I think I need to ask Him to provide a bit more energy, though. At the end of the day, I'm pooped!)
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Catching Up
Contrary to what you may have assumed, I have NOT dropped off the face of the earth, given up writing my blog or broken an arm (or two). The silence here on this blog is inversely related to the crazy, busy life that has been happening here in my corner of New Hampshire. I will try to write about all that has been happening, and here is a start:
We actually took a vacation a couple of weeks ago. We went camping. Not my favorite thing to do, although after I read this from Margaret, I felt a little more inspired. Camping has a way of re-connecting us with each other. The days are longer because the "time-thieves" (i.e. the computer, that dastardly TV, and the toxic video games) have been left at home. Without the screens to capture our attention, we are left to focus on one another. The kids look for ways to occupy themselves and get active--frisbee, bike riding, swimming, miniature golf, shuffle board, swimming again, playground, and even, *gasp* a walk with mom and dad around the campground. We play games, read books, talk to each other and pray. I even snuck in a math worksheet or two for the younger boys--they were not impressed.
Campfires are the best part of camping. We all love to roast marshmallows, although none of us likes to eat them much. Daddy will eat one or two, but that's his limit. The only ingredient of s'mores that I like is the chocolate, and I prefer my chocolate straight up, thank you. But, still, the campfire's the best.
We were supposed to borrow my sister-in-law's camper, but there was a mechanical problem with it, so we borrowed an older, much-loved pop-up from a friend. By "older, and much-loved" I mean old and a good deal past its prime. First off, the spare tire that used to be attached to the back of the camper flew off as we were driving down the road. I was following my husband in our van with one of the kids. It was a good thing I was watching that spare tire bounce up and down crazily, because when it came off, I was able to stop quickly. If I hadn't been able to stop as quickly as I did, it is likely the tire would have crashed into my windshield!! It was pretty frightening.
As we drove into the campground, we could see that, like many campgrounds these days, a lot of the campers there were "seasonals", meaning that they are people who leave their campers there year round and come up when they are able--kind of like having a lake house, but without the lake...or the house. You can pick out seasonals pretty easily. They are the fancy big campers with the slide-outs that have decks with lattice and perennial gardens surrounding them.
Pulling in with our *ahem* well-loved pop-up (minus the spare tire), we bore an uncanny resemblance to the Clampett family as they journeyed into Beverly Hills.
Seriously...
Come to think of it, I have a son (or two) whose appetite rivals that of Jethro Bodine.
Fortunately, our neighbors didn't resemble Mrs. Drysdale. The other campers were very welcoming and kind. Perhaps out of pity, but still, they were nice.
As we set the camper up, we came to realize that the electricity didn't work. Also, the water hook-up leaked, so we turned the water on "only" when we needed it. So...no power...no water. And the bed that hubby and I were supposed to share was somewhere between a twin and full size. Around this time, hubby had to ummm, "remind" me that we were having fun.
Oh yes, that's right...fun.
Eventually, I did adjust my attitude, and we did have a good time. This double rainbow that appeared after we set up helped.
The kids really enjoyed the playground, mini golf, shuffleboard
and, of course, the "cement pond."
After four days, we left for home, refreshed and rejuvenated and re-connected with one another.
I'm pretty sure I heard them say as we left, "Y'all come back now, here?"
We actually took a vacation a couple of weeks ago. We went camping. Not my favorite thing to do, although after I read this from Margaret, I felt a little more inspired. Camping has a way of re-connecting us with each other. The days are longer because the "time-thieves" (i.e. the computer, that dastardly TV, and the toxic video games) have been left at home. Without the screens to capture our attention, we are left to focus on one another. The kids look for ways to occupy themselves and get active--frisbee, bike riding, swimming, miniature golf, shuffle board, swimming again, playground, and even, *gasp* a walk with mom and dad around the campground. We play games, read books, talk to each other and pray. I even snuck in a math worksheet or two for the younger boys--they were not impressed.
We were supposed to borrow my sister-in-law's camper, but there was a mechanical problem with it, so we borrowed an older, much-loved pop-up from a friend. By "older, and much-loved" I mean old and a good deal past its prime. First off, the spare tire that used to be attached to the back of the camper flew off as we were driving down the road. I was following my husband in our van with one of the kids. It was a good thing I was watching that spare tire bounce up and down crazily, because when it came off, I was able to stop quickly. If I hadn't been able to stop as quickly as I did, it is likely the tire would have crashed into my windshield!! It was pretty frightening.
As we drove into the campground, we could see that, like many campgrounds these days, a lot of the campers there were "seasonals", meaning that they are people who leave their campers there year round and come up when they are able--kind of like having a lake house, but without the lake...or the house. You can pick out seasonals pretty easily. They are the fancy big campers with the slide-outs that have decks with lattice and perennial gardens surrounding them.
Pulling in with our *ahem* well-loved pop-up (minus the spare tire), we bore an uncanny resemblance to the Clampett family as they journeyed into Beverly Hills.
Seriously...
Come to think of it, I have a son (or two) whose appetite rivals that of Jethro Bodine.
Fortunately, our neighbors didn't resemble Mrs. Drysdale. The other campers were very welcoming and kind. Perhaps out of pity, but still, they were nice.
 | |
| Our home Sweet home |
As we set the camper up, we came to realize that the electricity didn't work. Also, the water hook-up leaked, so we turned the water on "only" when we needed it. So...no power...no water. And the bed that hubby and I were supposed to share was somewhere between a twin and full size. Around this time, hubby had to ummm, "remind" me that we were having fun.
Oh yes, that's right...fun.
Eventually, I did adjust my attitude, and we did have a good time. This double rainbow that appeared after we set up helped.
The kids really enjoyed the playground, mini golf, shuffleboard
and, of course, the "cement pond."
I'm pretty sure I heard them say as we left, "Y'all come back now, here?"
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