It's all about relationship

Elizabeth Foss shared a parenting truth in her new column the other day, and I am posting it here so that I can remind myself to be this kind of mom. Basically, what Elizabeth states so beautifully, and what I have experienced in my almost 20 years as a mom, is that my children's behavior is dependent on my relationship with them. For instance, I have noticed that when we are having a bad homeschool day, sometimes what works best is to toss the books aside and just enjoy each other. When I am grouchy with them, it affects their moods and their motivation. I am not talking about discipline when it is needed. Discipline doesn't need to be administered with a grouchy attitude. Discipline should be matter of fact, emotionless on the part of parents, if possible. It should be the consequence of behavior that doesn't meet our expectations and then we need to move on. What I am talking about is a general grumpy, "my kids are driving me crazy", attitude that creeps into my parenting if I am not careful. When my kids do not feel my unconditional love for them, they do not behave well. It is all about relationship. Elizabeth writes beautifully about it. Here is an excerpt:

I was in a fast food restaurant the other day. I spoke with six of my children at the table before leaving them to go order our food. I made my expectations for behavior clear. This was one of those times when all the stars lined up and every single one of them was good as gold. Sometimes, it happens. Actually, often it happens, and it has very little to do with the stars and everything to do with how hard we work as a family at behaving well so that we can all enjoy each other. The man in the booth next to them was not enjoying his children. And he told them so. He pointed to mine and asked his why they couldn’t be more like mine. Then, he looked at me and said, “You’re really lucky. You have good kids.”

I caught the eyes of his children and I wanted to cry. His implication was that he did not have good kids. I am certain that this man loved his kids, but if I had been his child at that moment, I would have asked myself if my dad valued me at all or if he valued some stranger’s children more than me.
One thing is certain: I wouldn’t be inclined to go out of my way to be particularly well-behaved for him. If he acted that way often enough, I’d just give up, resign myself to never “winning” his love and move on to other relationships.

Read the rest here.